Take the C&J Insurrectionist Idiot Quiz—Part V
Sorry for slacking—we haven't done one of these in a while. Same rules as usual: guess which of these are actual recent arrests, pleas, and/or convictions of some of the MAGA cult idiots who took part in the attempted overthrow of the U.S. government on January 6th. Good luck…
1. An Ohio woman pleads guilty to a felony charge for being among the first to breach the Capitol, but not before quitting her job as a therapist in the Cleveland school system to focus on rooting pedophilia out of the U.S. government.
2. A D.C. man convicted a dozen years ago for bank robbery who says he "wasn't thinking that day" on January 6th gets sentenced to five years in prison for attacking Capitol police with a pole.
3. A Pennsylvania yokel with conspiracy theories dancing in his tiny head and toting a stun gun pleads guilty to charges of assaulting Capitol police officers and an AP photographer, faces 8 years in prison.
Hooray! More quiz down here!
4. An Iowa woman who marched to the Capitol with a grenade belt walks into an Ottumwa police station to prove that she won’t be arrested because "Jesus gave me a free pass for this one." She is arrested and faces 150 years in prison and eternity in Hell.
5. An "internet personality" and former Buzzfeed employee with a Trump face tattoo who propped his feet up behind a senator's desk, then called a Capitol police officer an "oath breaker piece of shit" as he was being escorted out, pleads guilty to rioting, but not before demanding his ankle tether be removed because "I'm a Christian."
6. A "loudmouth" Tennessee man who entered the Capitol through a fire door, climbed on a statue, and yelled " Where’s those pieces of shit at?” is found guilty by a DC jury.
7. A bleach-drinking Oregon woman with bright blue hair and a happy place in her soul for Nazis is identified and arrested 18 months after the insurrection.
8. A dozen rabid machete-brandishing insurrectionist rats who stormed the Capitol while standing on top of each other's shoulders under a raincoat while wearing a JFK Jr. mask are finally apprehended after a fellow gerbil hears them bragging inside a cheese shop at 3am.
9. A Trump flag-toting Maryland man and apparent Hobbit reject who was among the first to breach the Capitol faces 14 years in prison after being convicted by a Trump-appointed judge. He was nabbed because he wore his employee ID badge around his neck during the attack.
10. A Colorado youth pastor who helped tear down fencing in front of the Capitol and believes Jesus wants him to "create armed militias to defend our heritage" is arrested on multiple charges.
Answers: All of them really happened except #4 and #8. (But we’re not ruling them out as a future possibility.) Our thanks to Joe Jervis at the Joe.My.God. blog for keeping track of how the idiotest of the idiots—over 700 now—are getting rolled up.
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, July 28, 2022
Note: Here's today's Helpful Hint from Heloise. To reduce your risk of being robbed on the street, always carry a shovel over your shoulder with blood stains on it. Now get out there and make it a sunshine day. Hugs!
Days 'til the start of Peach Month: 4
Days 'til the Reynoldsburg Tomato Festival in Ohio : 7
Size of the Senate bill to boost semiconductor production in the United States : $280 billion
Percent chance that any sentence in a media story heralding the good news that gas prices have been falling every day for nearly two months will be followed by the word "but": 99.2%
Percent of Americans polled by SSRS for CNN who believe Trump “encouraged violence” when he egged on his insurrectionists prior to the Capitol attack: 61%
Percent of Republicans in the poll who believe the Jan. 6 attack was "a crisis or a major problem": 36%
Inches of rain that fell early this week over St. Louis , a record: 8.06"
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Fear has been the text and the subtext of every Republican campaign since 9/11. Endless replay of the footage from 9/11 has graced every Republican campaign since. Could it be that 9/11 is beginning to pall, to feel as overplayed as Natalee Holloway?
Fear is actually more dangerous than war in the Middle East. For those who spin dizzily toward World War III, the Apocalypse, the Rapture -- always with that delicious frisson of terror -- the slow, patient negotiations needed to get it back under control are Not News.
All we have to fear, said FDR, is fear itself. And when we are afraid, we do damage to both ourselves and to the Constitution. Our history is rank with these fits of fear. We get so afraid of some dreadful menace, so afraid of anarchists, Reds, crime or drugs or communism or illegal aliens or terrorists that we think we can make ourselves safer by making ourselves less free. We damage the Constitution because we're so afraid. We engage in torture and worse because we're afraid. We damage our standing in the world, our own finest principles, out of fear. And television enjoys scaring us. One could say cynically, "It's good for their ratings," but in truth, I think television people enjoy scary movies, too. And besides, it makes it all a bigger story for them.
Puppy Pic of the Day: The best co-worker…
CHEERS to the headline we've all been waiting for. No, not "Candy Corn Declared Vegetable" or "Lassie Refuses to Save Marjorie Taylor Green After Congresswoman Tumbles Into Well." Nope. Even better: Justice Dept’s Jan. 6 Probe Includes Focus On Trump’s Actions. Well, hoo-ray, the Attorney General appears to be fully awake and in a crime-fighting mood:
We now know that investigators are scrutinizing the former president’s actions because other witnesses have fielded so many questions about Trump’s actions.
The New York Times published a related report soon after with a similar emphasis: “Federal prosecutors have directly asked witnesses in recent days about former President Donald J. Trump’s involvement in efforts to reverse his election loss, a person familiar with the testimony said on Tuesday.”
NBC News also published a report this morning confirming that the Justice Department is investigating Trump’s actions leading up to the Jan. 6 riot as part of its criminal probe of efforts to overturn the 2020 election results.
Will the canaries sing? Will the rats rat? Will the snitches snitch? Will the hired hands point the finger? Will the turncoats…um…turn their coats? My friend, that is a headline for another time.
CHEERS to "trolling the Supreme Court." That's how Vox describes what California Governor Gavin Newsom is doing—and God bless him for it—with the new gun-control measure he just signed into law. Modeled after Texas's law (SB 8, given the stamp of approval by SCOTUS) that allows private citizens to collect a $10,000 bounty for rat-finking on their neighbors who "might" be thinking about having an abortion, California's unleashes the unwashed rabble to go after the gun makers. And while the gun nuts freak out, Newsom is calmly giving the buckle-hatted orcs in the nation's highest (as a kite) court a chance to pull back from their Constitution-shredding decision:
Indeed, California’s new gun law, known as SB 1327, is explicit that the new law’s fate is tied to SB 8’s. SB 1327 provides that its SB 8-like provisions “shall become inoperative” if SB 8 is struck down “in its entirety by a final decision of the United States Supreme Court or Texas Supreme Court.”
The state of California, in other words, appears to be trolling the Supreme Court. SB 1327 should force the justices to either overrule Jackson and admit that they were wrong to let states evade the Constitution, or give California’s new gun ban the same immunity from judicial scrutiny that five justices gave SB8.
That is, of course, assuming that this increasingly political Supreme Court cares about consistency.
If they care about consistency as much as they do about Christian supremacy, white male dominance, porn and beer, color me optimistic.
CHEERS to Bubba's foresight. Addressing a veterans convention in New Orleans on July 28, 1996 , Bill Clinton called on Congress to pass expanded measures against acts of terror in the United States . It was a more innocent time back then, and today the Adult Children Moving Back in With Their Parents Act seems rather quaint.
At this point, it’s Emmanuel and Princess Against Education 🤝 pic.twitter.com/RpKj7gI7At
CHEERS to V-C Day. (That would be Victory in Covidland Day for those of you who didn’t pay attention in pandemic class.) After brushing off pleas from the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to unleash the full power of the military against the invaders inside the White House, our commander-in-chief said, "No, man. This is something I have to do myself. It's just me, the coronavirus and a steel cage, and only one of us is walkin' out alive." Extra Extra read all about it...
President Joe Biden tested negative for Covid and will leave isolation Wednesday after five days, the White House said.
Back to the Oval. Thanks to Doc for the good care, and to all of you for your support. pic.twitter.com/Cfzn1zAKJF
Biden received a negative Covid test Tuesday evening and again Wednesday morning and his symptoms have almost completely resolved, White House doctor Kevin O'Connor said in a letter. As a precaution, Biden will wear a mask for 10 days when around others, O'Connor said.
Moral: never mess with a scrapper from Scranton in Ray-Bans.
CHEERS to feeling your pain. On July 28, 1865, the American Dental Association proposed its first code of ethics, thus paving the way for hilarious moments like this:
My dentist has TVs above all the dental chairs for his patients to watch while he’s poking, prodding and drilling. I always turn it to Fox News. It helps dull the pain. Well, the physical pain, anyway.
Ten years ago in C&J: July 28, 2012
CHEERS to what happens when a Massachusetts Yankee Pisses in King Arthur's Court. Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s overseas trip was like death by a thousand self-inflicted cuts : spilling beans about super-secret MI6, mislabeling the United Kingdom as the "Nation of Great Britain," strapping the Queen to the roof of a lorry, stabbing the Olympic organizers in the back, questioning the stiffness of their upper lips, and not understanding the hilarity of misusing the word "backside" in a land where Benny Hill made a cottage industry out of bum jokes. It got so bad that Romney wouldn't even let the press speak to his horse . So, having thoroughly pissed off one nuclear nation, Romney heads off to another: Israel. Memo to the U.S. Immigration Service: if he marvels that the Wailing Wall is "the right height," revoke his passport.
CHEERS to red meat that's not the political kind. On July 28, 1900 , reportedly while trying to piss off his vegan neighbor, Louis Lassen invented the humble hamburger in New Haven , Connecticut . Louis' Lunch is still in business and kickin' it old-school :
The beginnings of the hamburger sandwich as we all know it today was really quite simple.
One day in 1900, a gentleman hurriedly walked into Louis' Lunch and told proprietor Louis Lassen he was in a rush and wanted something he could eat on the run. In an instant, Louis placed his own blend of ground steak trimmings between two slices of toast and sent the gentleman on his way. And so, the most recognizable American sandwich was born.
Today, Louis' great grandson, Jeff Lassen, carries on the tradition. The hamburgers have changed little from their historic prototype and remain the specialty of the house. Burgers are made fresh daily; hand-rolled from a proprietary blend of five meat varieties and cooked to order in the original cast-iron grills dating back to 1898. The Lassen family holds firm on their desire not to offer any condiments. The Louis Lunch experience is about the taste and simplicity of a fresh burger grilled to perfection. Cheese, tomato, and onion are the only acceptable garnish.
So happy birthday to the hamburger, for 122 years the quintessential representation of America's diet until the next Republican gets elected president when it will be replaced with cat food. (And, yes, I would like fries with that.)
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
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